Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Unclear Focus

The seemingly never ending (and at times nearly over whelming) struggle to have intense focus is frustrating. Why can't my mind be focused on the things that matter, with sharp clarity.

This isn't to say that I don't focus, but does it have to be such a struggle? Even when I do my best to create an atmosphere that is conducive, my mind is like a child on a playground trying to play on all the equipment at once.

In the middle of meditating and reflecting on things relevanct to the Word of God or things in my mind, my momentum bales off a cliff to crash at the bottom all because of stupid thoughts like, "They forgot to putty that nail hole." Or, "That texture on that wall is so un-evenly sprayed." Even stuff like, "I wish the shadow from this light wouldn't cover only half of this page. I wish it was spread out just a little more, enough to cover the whole page... and just a little dimmer." And just recently, "I can see the lines where the wallpaper is joined." And then the momentum of my focus is crushed in the bottom of the ravine.

I know this has to sound weird to someone who has never had this problem. I would have thought someone was just being goofy or hyper sensitive about stuff a few years ago. But in the last 2 years, I have recognized how... debilitating this can be. It is like there is this sharpness of thought that is no longer there. I feel to young for it to be age.

Just as a mile is walked one step at a time, and a million dollars is gained 1 dollar at a time, I know I must keep trying one day at a time to focus. It is just so frustrating (as this picture would be to a golfer) to have such a fog to fight through. Always feeling like you are short of where you want to be in clarity and focus.

Proper food consumption is part of the issue. (for a later discussion if you object) I am doing my best to let the mental food that I consume to be edificatous and less entertainment. But the physical food isn't near to the standard I would like it to be as far as eating healthy. It isn't in total disregard either. I just need to continue to make this an absolute priority.

This post isn't much more than a mere thought/complaint/question that is turning out to be one of the struggles of my life. rnajera@acfw.org